The King's Rules
4/7/2008It is time, once again, to show the real meaning of power. Even to Ford, Chevy, Toyota and Dodge.
Even to the National Stock Car Commission.
When I'm King of the Racing World . . .
Carl Edwards will win the Sprint Cup championship, then do a back-flip off the stage of the Waldorf-Astoria.
Whenever possible, if Cup qualifying is rained-out, NASCAR will try again the next morning. One of the last two practice sessions can be eliminated to do this. It's fairer to teams, sponsors and fans.
Any NASCAR driver who slides on sunglasses for the victory lane TV interview will be penalized 50 points. Paul Newman figured this out a long time ago: Stars let people see their eyes. Any driver who wears his cap backwards will lose 500 points. Any driver who uses a towel to cover-over the uniform logo some sponsor paid for will lose 5,000 points.
TV announcers will show the audience respect and, when a driver makes a mistake like speeding down pit road, call it just that - a mistake. It's not a "tough break." We know the difference.
I guess NASCAR didn't get the word last time I ruled this, so I'll repeat: Electronic tire pressure sensors will be mandatory on every car and truck. At a time of safety awareness, fast speeds, and big money, it's ridiculous for a driver or crew chief to guess if a tire is "going down."
John and Ashley Force will meet in the final round of the U.S. Nationals.
Since the IndyCar Series thinks it benefited from Helio Castroneves winning Dancing With the Stars, it will arrange for Danica Patrick to be a contestant on The Moment of Truth.
Cristiano da Matta will win a Daytona Prototype race.
Official decree: Elkhart Lake brats are better than Martinsville hot dogs.
NHRA's championship bonus in Top Fuel and Funny Car will increase to $1 million.
Laguna Seca will return to the IndyCar schedule and - in a clever bit of corporate sponsorship - the famous Corkscrew will officially be renamed the "Andretti Winery Corkscrew."
The first 500 spectators through the gates for the NASCAR All-Star race will receive a free Humpy Bumper.
As penalty for his behavior within the McLaren team last season, the FIA will force Fernando Alonso to drive all 500 laps in the Saturday night Cup race at Bristol - with no practice - and Kenny Wallace as his spotter.
As an apology to the fans, Tony George and Kevin Kalkhoven will host a free all-you-can-eat BBQ in the infield at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
Reese Witherspoon will play the title role in The Linda Vaughn Story.
To help increase public support for space exploration, NASA will invite Jeff Gordon to Mission Control to "steer" the Mars rover.
Joe Amato will be there to present the "Wally" when Tony Schumacher passes him for all-time NHRA Top Fuel victories.
Steve and Kraig Kinser will finish 1-2 in the Knoxville Nationals.
Lewis Hamilton will win the world championship. As a reward, he'll get to "drive" against Tiger Woods before the British Open.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. will win at Indy, then take 3 reverse-direction victory laps.
[ Next column: April 21 ]
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(I.N. Sider is the pen name for an independent motorsports business-person who has a quarter-century of professional experience working in almost every major North American racing series. The writer is not an employee of Valvoline or Ashland Inc. The column is intended to inform, entertain, and stimulate thought on the contemporary motorsports scene. The opinions expressed are those of the author and not necessarily those of Valvoline or Ashland Inc.)
BackAbout I.N. Sider
I.N. Sider is the pen name for an independent motorsports business-person who has a quarter-century of professional experience working in almost every major North American racing series. The writer is not an employee of Valvoline or Ashland Inc. The column is intended to inform, entertain, and stimulate thought on the contemporary motorsports scene. The opinions expressed are those of the author and not necessarily those of Valvoline or Ashland Inc.